December 2014 update

As voting day approached for the referendum on whether Christmas should split from the rest of December, pollsters were predicting a “too close to call” result and the resultant danger that a large number of boys and girls would not receive their presents on Christmas Day. In fact one prominent electoral analyst was quoted as saying that should the independence vote go in favour of the “YES” camp, then there was a real danger that many presents would not arrive in time or would at best, have to be repackaged as “Decemberland” presents and possibly might not even be delivered by Santa Claus.

This comment however was immediately pounced upon by the Yes camp as further evidence that panicked  December’ representatives would stop at nothing when it came to employing scare-mongering tactics to ensure that December was maintained as a unified 31 day month. Chief Christmas Elf and head of the Yes campaign Alfie Salmon, said the following; “such negative campaigning from the NO camp has become par for the course and we are not surprised by this latest outrageous statement. There is absolutely no doubt that come a “YES” vote for Christmas Independence, all boys and girls around the world will receive their presents as normal and the NO camp has no right to even suggest that Santa Claus will not be delivering those presents. Santa has always, and will always, be above politics and his 196 country, 25,000 mile trek around the world on 24th December will go ahead irrespective of the result of the referendum”.

“Furthermore”, added Salmon, “for far too long the rest of December has cashed in on the benefits of Christmas and it’s about time Christmas kept those benefits for themselves. Everyone knows that when people think of December, it’s Christmas that comes to mind and not those poxy days at the beginning of the month when people are getting stressed about Christmas shopping and writing Christmas cards. We’ve been the driving force behind December for decades and it’s about time we struck out on our own”.

For many voters however, there is still major concern about the economic case for going it alone and so much of the independence argument revolves around Christmas’s CPR’s (Crude Present Reserves). Chief December Economist Noddy Holder has been quick to challenge the claims of the YES camp. “I accept that historically Christmas has been self-sufficient in PPWD (Present Production, Wrapping and Delivery) but that was before the Internet and Amazon, not to mention the post-Christmas ebay Jumper Market (which can often run well into January). More and more people are buying their presents throughout December rather than waiting for the few days around Christmas and Alfie Salmon must be Christmas Crackers to think that they have sufficient Present Reserves to go it alone. He’s living in the past. Besides they just can’t have their Christmas Cake and eat it. It sounds great to only take the best bits of December and show-piece that to the world but it’s hardly then fair to expect RoD (Rest of December) to look after things like drunken office parties, tinny Christmas music in shops from October onwards and Santa Claus’s at Christmas fetes who look absolutely nothing like Santa Claus and just sound like a local builder who would rather be at the pub.

Meanwhile Constitutional Festive Experts are busily debating the myriad of issues that breaking away brings about. Firstly there is the thorny issue of which days will actually separate off. Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day seem to be a given, but the YES camp are also pushing for New Year, which makes for an interesting case study. The run up to Hogmanay has always traditionally supported Christmas, but polls from that part of the month show that voters wish to maintain their link with December or indeed create a further independent breakaway State for the 31st Dec, 1st Jan and 2nd Jan (depending on hangover severity/longevity). There are also the incredibly complicated issues surrounding the disgraced Royal Bank of Christmas (RBC) which is owned by the whole of December despite its name. Readers will remember that RBC went bust in 2008 following their manipulation of Christmas Turkey Markets and the mis-selling of SVI (Santa Visit Insurance) to the under 10s and it is questionable that an orderly division of RBC gift vouchers will be possible following an acrimonious break-up of December.

Whatever happens in the forthcoming referendum, it is fair to say that history will be made and many other annual events are watching developments with great interest. The likes of Hallowe’en, Bonfire Night, Easter and FA Cup Final Weekend have long sought to dissociate themselves from their respective months and a victory for the YES vote could signal a string of further independence referendums.

STOP-PRESS: AFTER A RECORD TURNOUT, CHRISTMAS VOTED NO

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